Disappointment

This week I have once again been riding a roller coaster--will it happen? When will it happen? What's happening now? Wait a minute--what the hell happened?

It was living proof that once again my body has utterly failed me. Once again I have shown that I am incapable of doing these basic things that high school dropouts seem to master without any challenges whatsoever. Sure, I can try again next month. But this is my last shot. Once these embryos are gone, my dreams of being a mother will be lost. I will need to learn how to adapt to the idea of a childless existence.

And I have to say, logically, rationally, intellectually I am doing well with that. I look at my life and I realize that it is head and shoulders above where many others are. I look at the animals and I find a place for that maternal streak, to an extent. Sure, they won't outlive me (if all goes well), and we'll never have deep conversations as to how to navigate the social intricacies of school. But they need food, and love, and cuddles.

As for my career, well, that takes more thought. I'm not sure I can go back to my former career if I am deprived of having children of my own. Who knows--after a year or more maybe my thoughts on this will change. But for now, I can't see me doing it. I do, however, have other skills to fall back on. I can do my writing, and voice acting, and audition for shows and be on stage once again. It won't be a huge salary, most likely, but then neither was early intervention!
No, I will rise from the ashes career-wise and find something that works for me.

The problem comes when I step out of my head and into the rest of my body. My guts, my bones, my flesh--they are all still reeling in pain over the losses. The mere thought of never having a child to carry in my belly, my arms, and my heart doubles me over in a physical pain. I begin to drown in feelings of remorse, regret, loss, inadequacy--labels don't seem to do the feelings justice. I simply sink beneath a flash-flood of tears, and feel there is nothing to grab onto.

My head may come out of this all right, but I fear my heart will be lost forever.