My Thoughts on God (and evalangelical baloney)

So, I'm at this party when a woman I have never met makes the following statement: "If you just ask the universe for what you need, you'll get it. It's amazing."

To which I responded (without really thinking about how I was about to offend a guest of a good friend of mine): "That is the biggest load of bullshit I have ever heard."

Hilarity ensued. She then listed several examples in her life of how this had happened (I was just telling the universe that I wanted to be a sports reporter, and the very next night who do I run into at a bar but Jerry Rice? etc., ad nauseum).

I tried to be polite--no, wait, that's a lie. I actually did not try to be polite. I told her it was great that what she wanted happened to sync up with what she got. But in the end, it's all a crap shoot and we have very little control over what happens to us much of the time.

Now you would think, or at least I would, that at this point in time she would get the message and think, Oh, that woman must have been through something rather traumatic, perhaps I should leave this alone. But no. Oh, no. She has to go on, to push her point of view onto me. Even when I'm saying things like, "Well, I'm glad that works for you. You have been very lucky. Good for you." She just couldn't let it go. And at the end of the night, she comes to me to say goodbye and hugs me in that half-hug way people do at the end of parties with people they don't know very well but you're in California so we all have to hug. And as she hugs me she says:

"You just have to open your heart."

I said, "No."

"You really need to open your heart."

"No."

"Well, if you keep saying 'no' to the universe of course you aren't going to get what you wanted."

Icy stare. No response.

"You're far to young to be this bitter and negative."

"No," I said out of habit, then realized what she had said. "Yes. You're right. I am far too young for this to have happened. I agree. Have a good night."

I find out that on her way out she has stopped to tell my friend that I am, "Full of negative energy," and that she will ask the universe to open my heart for me.

Okay, here's the thing. Crap like this is akin to telling someone that if s/he prays hard enough for something, it will happen. Newsflash: NO, IT WON'T. It might happen. It could happen. But it also might not. And the annoying thing is, for those people for whom things do align, they think they had some control over it! This is horrifying to me, because the next step in their fatally flawed logic is this: Obviously that person did not pray hard enough/properly/long enough/etc. and that is why she didn't get what she wanted. Or worse, God/The Universe/insert deity here is angry with that person, and is punishing her/him.

Look, people, we don't sacrifice virgins to the great volcano god anymore. Why? Because it didn't work! Sometimes the volcano still blew up. In the end, it had nothing to do with sacrifice or prayer or preparation or hard work. It had to do with geologic forces taking place outside the realm of human intervention, and it had absolutely nothing to do with anything else. There are times in our lives when we want something so desperately that we are willing to do anything to get it. Anything. We beggar ourselves financially, emotionally, physically. We run down any and every lead that has ever existed on ways that have "worked" for others. We research, we focus, we pray. And in the end, we still don't have what we want.

There are some things that are simply out of our control.

I realize this leads people in different directions. For some, it is a way to believe more deeply in their god or connect more deeply with their spirituality. For others, it is a cut off from the divine completely. I'm not sure which way it's going to go for me, but I do know this much--I am no longer of the ilk that asking is getting. And to propose that to someone else is not only ludicrous, it's harmful. Would someone say something like that to a family in a war-torn country? "Just pray to Allah hard enough, and the enemy troops will withdraw and you and your family will have all that you need." No, you wouldn't say that unless you were a complete and total idiot.

I'm not saying that there is no god. I'm also not saying that there is. My feelings on this matter fluctuate daily. I am beginning to wonder if the concept of "god" is a construct that makes us feel better about our lives, and is therefore valid whether it's true or not. Maybe "god" doesn't exist to give me what I want/deserve/need. Maybe "god" is just there to help me cope with the injustices of life. Maybe god herself has been through tragedy and pain, and is more there to hold and comfort and less to influence.

I really hate to think that god is able to influence outcomes, because if that is so then s/he is pretty sadistic and uncaring. I prefer to think there is no god at all than that.

Today I'm sticking with god being a comforting presence, the idea that we are all part of the same humanity and that we have all suffered untold traumas and have experienced inexpressible joys. Today I'll look at the blossoms in the trees and find beauty in them, and remember that beauty does exist in the world. It isn't always visible, but that doesn't mean it isn't there. It's also not permanent. But neither is pain. Flowers follow rain, and rot follows flowers, and so on. Maybe, in the end, it isn't even about me at all. Maybe it's about connecting with others to share the good times and the bad.

I had a thought after my encounter with this woman that has been rattling in my head ever since: Perhaps the secret to happiness is being able to do what you can, be the best you can be, find out what you get in life, and then find a way to be content with it. My analogy was that we study a certain set of rules for a certain game, but in the end we don't know what deck of cards we're going to get. If you studied for backgammon and life gives you Uno, instead of crying about the time lost on preparing for backgammon maybe we can accept that we have Uno, learn the rules, and eventually learn to enjoy playing that game.

I'm nowhere near being able to do this, by the way. It's just my new thought. It's the wisdom I don't yet have the patience to attain.